Rejection is such an unpleasant feeling that we fear it even when it isn’t a real threat. It distorts our social perceptions. The fear of rejection limits our relationships.
What are we afraid of? We fear that love will be absent, so we protect ourselves from taking any action that might end with the unpleasant taste of rejection. Is this because we have been rejected or abandoned in the past? Yes, our fear of rejection is based on our perceptions of past experiences, but calling it up to get rid of it, or pushing it down to forget it, has little power to overcome it, and has some power to strengthen it. In dealing with rejection, the past is like the wake of a crocodile. It has no power to move us on, and it is dangerous to bob up and down in it. But, we are not helpless victims. As Paul told the Corinthians,
“You are not restrained by us, but you are restrained in your own affections.” II Corinthians 6:12
We can learn from Scripture how to safely overcome rejection of the past, and the fear of it in the present and future. God’s answer for the fear of rejection is to replace it with Christ’s perfect love. This verse in I John gives us this insight.
“There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. We love, because He first loved us.” I John 4:18-19
Of the various Greek words translated “punishment” in the New Testament, the shade of meaning in the one used in this verse is “to be checked or restrained”. The fear of rejection checks and restrains us from giving love. But love “casts out” the fear of rejection that restrains us. How does this work?
Implied in this verse is that I can confidently move into potentially rejecting encounters assured that there will be love there because I am taking love into the encounter with me. It will be initiated through me, as God initiated it to me. Also implied is that when I love anyone first, as God has loved me first even while I was rejecting Him, there is the possibility that love, not rejection, will be reciprocated, because it casts out his fear of my rejection.
The Lord Jesus Christ was “despised and rejected of men” and yet was not afraid to take love into open hostility and rejection. He did not wait for love and acceptance to come to Him. He loved us first, and is our example. It is the perfect initiating love of Christ in us that casts out our fear of the “punishment” of rejection. Consider these verses:
“In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.” I John 4:10-11
“Therefore be imitators of God, as beloved children; and walk in love, just as Christ also loved you and gave Himself up for us, an offering and a sacrifice to God as a fragrant aroma.” Ephesians 5:1-2
“The one who says he abides in Him ought himself to walk in the same manner as He walked.” I John 2:6
If we fail to follow Christ in this way, by loving first, we will be waiting suspiciously and critically for others to invest in us first. But we will be disappointed because, like us, everyone is waiting as protectively and fearfully, “checked and restrained,” for us to invest in them first, lest they risk rejection from us. However, God says that whoever invests love for His sake, (meaning at the risk of rejection, or else it is for our sake!), will find Life. He Himself, of course, is that Life, and while this social principle works for anyone, its’ broader benefits in walking by Christ’s Spirit of Love is the Christian virtue that is such a big part of abiding in Him.
“Then Jesus said to His disciples, "If anyone wishes to come after Me, he must deny himself, and take up his cross and follow Me. For whoever wishes to save his life will lose it; but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it. ” Matthew 16:24
A believer in Christ who has not made the commitment to take love into every encounter first, whether it has the potential of being reciprocated or not, is vulnerable to the fear and ravages of rejection, and of interpreting the same self protective actions of others as personal rejection of him. In fact, he tends to find rejection everywhere because he fears it, and even invites it by his own self protectiveness. A clear commitment to demonstrate Christ’s initiating love is the way out of this vicious circle.
“By this we know love, thathe laid down his life for us, and we ought to lay down our lives for the brothers.” I John 3:16-18:
”For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, " Abba! Father!" Romans 8:15
The “perfect love that casts out fear” is God’s love in Christ’s disciple reaching out to others without reservation or condition. Besides “casting out” the fear of rejection, commitment to dispense Christ’s love keeps us from stumbling into sin, which is always related in some way to loving ourselves more than God and others.
“The one who loves his brother abides in the Light and there is no cause for stumbling in him.” I John 2:10
God has joined His loving Spirit with every believer’s so that His love is always available to give before anything at all is received. Jesus Christ is generous enough with His love that there will be ample to cover any rejection that He allows to touch us should our loving gesture be rejected. His love “has been poured out within our hearts through the Holy Spirit who was given to us,” Romans 5:5. “We love (first) because He first loved us”.
“…we confidently say,
“The Lord is my helper, I will not be afraid. What will man do to me?” Hebrews 13:6
"Peace I leave with you; My peace I give to you; not as the world gives do I give to you. Do not let your heart be troubled, nor let it be fearful.” John 14:27
Praise God for His wisdom in Christ Jesus our Lord, who has become to us wisdom from God, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption; who saves us from ourselves, our crippling fears, our loneliness and isolation. Through His committed disciples, He reaches out to a lonely fearful world with initiating love, and replaces crippling fearful restraint with joy.
Rae Edlin
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