WORDS WOUND, WORDS HEAL
Whoever said “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me" probably lived to have words like bone crushing boulders hurt him. Most of us have experienced the pain of Psalm 55:12-13.
“For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, Then I could bear it;
Nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me,
Then I could hide myself from him.
But it is you, a man my equal my companion and my familiar friend.”
Harsh words are not molehills out of which the over-reacting victim makes mountains. They are mountains. Lame excuses and apologies, and conversations that ignore the abusive words hanging in the air add insult to the injury of hurtful words. Time does not heal the wounds caused by destructive words.
“A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city, and contentions are like the bars of a citadel.” (Proverbs 18:9)
The destructiveness of abusive words is exacerbated by blame, which always accompanies them. The abuser justifies his disrespectful words and cruel spirit by blaming them on his victim as if it was not his responsibility that he was nervous, upset, or impatient. God is not deceived by blame. Jesus said,
"The good man brings out of his good treasure what is good; and the evil man brings out of his evil treasure what is evil. But I tell you that every careless word that people speak, they shall give an accounting for it in the Day of Judgment. For by your words you will be justified, and by your words you will be condemned." (Matthew 12:35-37)
Being blamed for destructive words and a harsh spirit wounds the victim’s spirit because the words express thoughts and feelings, unforgettably calling into question the foundation of commitment and trust.
“Jesus said, "Are you still lacking in understanding also? But the things that proceed out of the mouth come from the heart, and those defile the man.” Matthew 15:16-20
"For as he thinks within himself, so he is." (Proverbs 23:7)
“The spirit of a man can endure his sickness, But as for a broken spirit who can bear it?” (Proverbs 18:14)
Although a wounded spirit is not easily mended, pure healing words of affirmation and commitment, spoken from a humble spirit, can heal and restore.
“Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones.” (Proverbs 16:24)
“There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of a sword, But the tongue of the wise brings healing.“ (Proverbs 12:18)
A trite “I’m sorry” does not reassure that the heart behind the words is not still hateful. The victim wonders, “Sorry for what?” “Sorry” minimizes the offense, and leaves commitment and respect still in question. Will the words be spoken in the same spirit again, from the same uncaring heart? A general apology does not un-say specific disrespectful words.
When we ignore what we said and how we said it, or “forget” the specific things we said so that we can apologize in weak generalities we are using deceit and flattery.
“He who hates disguises it with his lips, but he lays up deceit in his heart.” (Proverbs 26:24)
May the LORD cut off all flattering lips,
The tongue that speaks great things;
Who have said, "With our tongue we will prevail;
Our lips are our own; who is lord over us?" (Psalm 12:3)
"Their tongue is a deadly arrow; it speaks deceit; with his mouth one speaks peace to his neighbor, but inwardly he sets an ambush for him.” (Jeremiah 9:8)
“The words of his mouth are wickedness and deceit;
He has ceased to be wise and to do good.” {Psalm 36:3)
Commitment is tested just here. It will show up if there is a willingness to un-say the specific destructive words that broke the trust. Absent that willingness, the perception is that there is more self interest and blame than commitment, and the “apology” is deceit, without healing value. Until the words are un-said with healing words that reaffirm commitment and respect and that validate the distress they caused, there remains in the victim an unsettling mistrust of the relationship, a sense of ‘walking on eggs’. The perception is, “His heart toward me is hostility and blame; I cannot trust this relationship with all of myself or care deeply”.
“A soothing tongue is a tree of life, but perversion in it crushes the spirit.” (Proverbs 15:4)
“Death and life are in the power of the tongue,
And those who love it will eat its fruit.” (Proverbs 18:21)
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear.” (Ephesians 4:29)
“The merciful man does himself good, but the cruel man does himself harm.” (Proverbs 11:17)
The un-said hostile words that created suspicion and broken trust become the elephant in the room. The abuser, in pride and stubbornness, resting on the flattery of a trite apology, or on “moving on” tactics, is blind as to why the relational elephant stays pervasively present. The victim on the other hand, dares not challenge the elephant lest it release more mayhem into a shaky peace in an unsafe place.
The wounding words and the blame that accompanies them are a tiny forgettable speck in the eye of the abuser, but they are an unforgettable log in the eye of the victim. Nothing is as inconsequential as that tiny speck, or as imperative as that log. No wonder that “seeing things eye to eye” has become impossible.
So, what is to be done by the one with the log in the eye if healing words are stubbornly withheld, if the abuser never “gets it”? Then, with the grace that comes in the humility of brokenness and relinquishment, the Lord Himself becomes the therapeutic grace giver. He sends His own Words and His own Spirit to heal. Amazingly, the relational loss we grieve and resent compels us with desperation to the Lord’s greatest commandment, to love Him alone with all of our heart, soul, mind, and strength, and our neighbor as ourselves.
Relinquishing our demands for healing in order to gain grace and love for Jesus Christ, frees us of our needy emotional focus and frees us also to forgive and to extend grace and love to others. This is the cross His disciples are called upon to take up, on which we “die” to our desires, and on which we find lasting intimacy, and true Love and validation.
But this is a personal gain. An individual is made whole and healthy by perseveringly extending God’s grace in the face of un-acknowledged sin against him, but a relationship is not completely restored to intimacy by one person repeatedly extending grace while the other person never “gets it” and continues to wreak devastation with his words. Part of the weight of the cross of discipleship will be a crippled relationship that cannot realize its full potential of intimacy. However, the healing that comes from God is supernatural, insightful, life changing, eternal, transforming evil to good, pain to joy, grief to gain, death to Life. We will indeed “exult in our tribulations” because they lead to “a hope that does not disappoint, because the love of God has been shed abroad in our hearts” (Romans 5:5).
All the blessing of relationship that eludes us, that we long for, is in Jesus Christ, that we may say,
“When my heart was embittered and I was pierced within,
Then I was senseless and ignorant; I was like a beast before You.
Nevertheless I am continually with You;
With Your counsel You will guide me,
and afterward receive me to glory.
Whom have I in heaven but You?
And besides You, I desire nothing on earth.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
For, behold, those who are far from You will perish;
You have destroyed all those who are unfaithful to You.
But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works. (Psalm 73:21-28)
Because of the devastation of the afflicted, because of the groaning of the needy, now I will arise," says the LORD; "I will set him in the safety for which he longs." (Psalm 12:3)
He sent His word and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions.” (Psalm 107:20)
“Who is the man who desires life and loves length of days that he may see good?
Keep your tongue from evil and your lips from speaking deceit. Depart from evil and do good;
“The words of the LORD are pure words; as silver tried in a furnace on the earth, refined seven times.” (Psalm 12:6)
This article could seem to encourage the finger pointing blame of a victim to an abuser, so let us be careful! We have all been victims of abusive words, and then been blamed for them. We have spoken some ourselves. (Have we specifically un-said ours, with affirming words?) It is almost impossible when we are the victims of abusive words to see our own sin without comparing ourselves favorably against the abuser who has sinned ‘worse,’ thus being dangerously in denial about our own sin. Some soul searching self-examination is always called for when we find ourselves victims. I refer you to my article “Denial Secrets” for a reality check, and to this warning from the Lord:
“Therefore you have no excuse, everyone of you who passes judgment, for in that which you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things. And we know that the judgment of God rightly falls upon those who practice such things.
But do you suppose this, O man, when you pass judgment on those who practice such things and do the same yourself, that you will escape the judgment of God?
Or do you think lightly of the riches of His kindness and tolerance and patience, not knowing that the kindness of God leads you to repentance?
But because of your stubbornness and unrepentant heart you are storing up wrath for yourself in the day of wrath and revelation of the righteous judgment of God, who WILL RENDER TO EACH PERSON ACCORDING TO HIS DEEDS: to those who by perseverance in doing good seek for glory and honor and immortality, eternal life; but to those who are selfishly ambitious and do not obey the truth, but obey unrighteousness, wrath and indignation.” Romans 2:1-8
